I wrote the following a long time ago and it’s just been sitting there waiting and waiting for me to finish it so I thought it was about time I made use of it:
“I hate myself……for doing this to myself again. Finding someone that I have a connection with and putting myself out there. Investing my time and putting effort into what I think could be a great relationship for it only to blow up in my face and some small part of me doesn’t feel quiet good enough.
But for some stupid reason all I want to do is pick up the phone and contact them. It’s like I live ground hog day when it comes to relationships and I enjoy hitting my head against a brick way.
I build my walls so high to keep people out and to protect myself. Then someone comes along and chips the smallest part away and cracks the walls I built and I finally let them in the slightest bit and fall ever so hard. Just to get hurt and repeat the process all over again.
Maybe some people are destined to be alone……never finding someone to spend and share their life with. Having this little empty space waiting for it to be filled, but never feeling good enough.”
I think my greatest challenge as a human is not letting myself worth be defined by others, I am like everyone we all seek that external validation. I often feel that people perceive me to be a very confident person so when I tell people I am actually shy and awkward they seem confused or don’t believe me……cut to finally meeting in person and me being quiet reserved and incredibly shy and slightly awkward. Whether or not this plays into the eventual heart breaking torment I put myself through we may never know well hopefully one day I’ll work it out.
Some day I try and believe that someone will come along and love me shy, awkwardness and all because lets be honest here I am always going to be semi and awkward and shy it’s just my personality and yes once I am comfortable I can be as outgoing as anyone you just gotta break through those layers.
There is honestly nothing better then meeting someone and feeling completely comfortable with them where you can just expose your inner most demons and they just continue as if nothing is new and like you anyway no matter how black and scary and emotional damaged you are. It’s the combination of them wanting to stick around and being strong enough to let down a little bit to let them in.
Bearing your soul and inner thoughts to someone you are emotionally or physically invested in and hoping to build a lasting relationship with is hard, no matter how comfortable they make you feel. I know that there is always this hesitation in the back of your mind saying “What If?”. One day I will find the strength to say shut to the “What If?” voice and probably break down but also let someone in for the long haul. I kind of grew out of this show more from lack of time to commit to watching it but I often watch reruns and while I’m no genius scientist I can see where Sheldon comes from because he is hardly comfortable around his friends and family and yet meets Amy and builds a lasting relationship letting go and feeling comfortable. So if he can do it why can’t I.
What makes you comfortable?
What makes you uncomfortable?
Am I the only one who says what if a lot?