While this may seem like the title of a new hit TV show (pauses and makes notes for future pitch to TV company) this is more about how living in the suburbs can kill your sex life. Strap yourself in for me to have a little complain here. Increasingly lately I have been wanting to hook-up yes random sex between 2 gay men I am shocked as you are. While I at least need to see a face pic and get a name before it happens, it wouldn’t be the first time I haven’t got either before the deed but i digress.
I am more then accommodating (I believe) it’s winter so I don’t like to travel so I always offer to host I also am up for work at 6 am so I don’t think people should have to suffer in their own home if a sleepover is suggested and I don’t really feel like driving home post coitus. I’ll gladly supply all the things required for the evening, lube, condoms, amyl, light refreshments, towels, occasionally food if you hang around and I happen to have some and a shower should you want or need one all in all I’d say I am a pretty damn good host. So what’s the issue, well in general boys suck and I am not talking about the good way either.
Let’s start with the lack of options for what I am attracted to (prepare for the shallow end of personality to rear its ugly head here) generalising here but the statistics back it up (statistics may or may not be just in my head). 49.95% of the population is 50+ now I am not opposed to a literal daddy and my friends well and truly know, however the daddies just aren’t my type physically. If I am going to go with a daddy I want them to be bigger then me and fit, I’m not talking totally ripped but some muscle please. The next 49.95% of the population are under the age of 21 which again not opposed to most are physically attractive, most are total bottoms which is fine I’ll top (joys of being versatile) but usually comes with oh I can’t come now, I don’t drive come pick me up I’m no Uber service.
Now for the last 0.1% of the population around me this consist of people between 22-50, people I am physically attracted to, guys with partners which hey I’ll host 2 why not, wouldn’t be the first threesome I have had in my place.
So to the last week when it all started let me take you back to Sunday guy I had previously hooked up with wanted to again it was good so why not lets do it again couldn’t Sunday night, so Monday it is I say will have to be lateish about 9pm after I get home from netball he says all cool. Monday comes and as I get in the car home from netball message to say I am on my way home still going to come around……radio silence everyone.
Tuesday night was out because as much as I was in the mood getting home at midnight and getting up at 6 is hard enough. Wednesday is three swings three strikes (for those who don’t know sports, strikes are bad and they aren’t good); one guy we had planned a week in advance (yes sometimes i have to plan my sex that far a head) I quote “I’m deciding how long I can be in the cold” & “I should have come straight from work and not come home”. A) yes it’s cold but you get sex and I’d travel to you but you can’t host so suck it up and B) I suggested you come straight from work and you could shower and whatever but no you said you wanted to go home first.
Guy 2: I give him the benefit of the doubt as I haven’t travelled overseas so who knows. But he played the I’m too tired and jet lagged and I’m not felling great but I am really keen for another time. Ok I believe him and he has kept in contact so who knows.
Guy 3: Was the guy from Monday last option, last resort since he messaged me asking, and thought well why not it was late but I didn’t care, he seemed keen and was going to shower etc and let me know when he was ready, yep sure not a problem……fast forward an hour yes an hour (fun fact if it takes you this long to douche you probably shouldn’t be bottoming at the time). No message nothing so I message him asking whats going on, his reply is “I feel super unwell sorry. Douching made me feel sick”.
Flash forward to me going to bed alone and sexless on Wednesday.
For reference Thursday night was out because my Mother and Aunty were staying over to look after my Nan cause she had a procedure that day. So them the breaks guys welcome to the life of a 30 something gay man in the suburbs, guys are flakes and bad at follow through. I guess I shouldn’t generalise about all guys but you know we all love to do it when things aren’t going right.
Let me know you your thoughts and your experiences.