Looking for Love in all the……..place’s

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So strap yourselves in boys and girls because this one is a long one. I have tried to break it down into some kind of sections and I may repeat a few things. First of all thanks for the comment and questions Theo. I knew from the start this was going to  be along post and even considered breaking it up into several post but decided to post it all as one. Below is Theo’s original comment to me. Hope you enjoy my response.
If you have a question of your own you would like answered head over to my Ask Me Anything and leave a comment and Ill get back to you ASAP.
Theo asked:
I know this is a heavy topic, but as a follower of your blog, I was wondering if I could get some advice;
How do you develop a non-platonic relationship?
Now, I know this sounds stupid. But as a young gay man; looking for someone, is a freaking mess. Places like Grindr, Tinder and most of the queer spaces set aside throughout our community are either highly sexualised, or regulated to a place specifically anti-relationship.
Being queer, I feel I don’t have the luxury of meeting
someone in the way that I’ve been shown to. Furthermore, finding a romantic & sexual relationship feels significantly disconnected in our community. And I know that that’s society’s effect on me; both expecting a “typical” relationship, and the way of which it is to be found. But that doesn’t mean that not meeting anyone is any less painful or lonely.
I want to hookup with people, but I’m not confident in my body or the technicalities of sex.
I want a romantic relationship, but finding one is difficult.
My last relationships were incomplete, or wrong for some reason or another. Do I have commitment issues? or do I just meet the wrong people?
I have awesome friends and family, giving me so much other support and fulfilment. I understand that I’m only 20-ish, so things will change; but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better…
Any advice as a Melbourne Man, and a Veteran Gay? Sorry for the text-dump, but I’d like to know your thoughts.
How do I develop non-platonic relationships? lookingphoto.jpg.crop.promomediumlarge.jpg.CROP.promo-large
Well I guess probably the same way you do, I am on the apps and I delete them every now and then for various reasons. You are right finding a long lasting connection from them can be difficult and a lot of the connections people seek through those apps are not romantic and are for the right now or to fulfil their sexual needs.
I assume by “typical” relationship you mean a monogamous relationship, first don’t think you aren’t normal for wanting that type of relationship that is your choice and perfectly understandable, if this is the type of relationship you want and you have asked yourself why that’s what you want and why you wouldn’t want any other type of relationship that is all great and don’t make the compromise unless it’s something you really believe in.
You can check out my blog about “Dating Without Apps” it may not make it any easier but it may give you some other ideas about places you can go and meet people. While I don’t think you should specifically use these groups to meet future boyfriends or dating, I’d recommend joining a LGBTI group that offers something you are interested  in, that way you can meet new people and you already have a common interest and these are groups aren’t focus on the sexualisation of the community.
When you say queer spaces set aside are highly sexualised I assume you mean gay clubs and bars and events. Yes these can be highly sexualised and people who are attending are probably not looking for the love of their life its more Mr Right Now mr right.jpg
rather then Mr Right but these spaces can be what you make of them. If you have a good group of friends to enjoy these places with that makes it easier to go to and enjoy them. I believe the people go out attending to either meet someone or looking for sex are usually the people who go home alone. The ones that go out with their mates to have a dance and a good time and look like they are having fun on their own or group and the ones the draw the attention because people look at them and think “look at that guy/girl they are having so much fun I wonder what there story is”.
I was lucky enough that during my coming out and even now I have a lot of friends that had either been for a long time or that are much older then me so I could ask their advice and they could kind of educate me in the ways of the community and how things are different. Because you are right growing up in a hetero normative community and living a heterosexual lifestyle all our education comes from what we see and watch. If your childhood was anything like mine I didn’t know any gay people till I was out of high school and didn’t question my sexuality till then. I recommend for young gay men to make friends with some of the older people in our community while things change as time goes on they can give you so much knowledge an experience. (Yes I made making friends sound really simple….it’s not).
Do you enjoy your own company? I am not saying this will be the key to finding a man or anything like that. However there was long time were I hated being by myself because I felt lonely, yes there are times where I still hate being by myself because I tumblr_o8bkp7y2wt1qm9vsko1_500find it extremely lonely but these are times that I reach out to friends and make defiant plans. While you may not like or know Ru Paul but she hits the nail on the head darling. You gotta love yourself insecurities and all before you can love someone else.
It does sound to me like you are putting a lot of energy into finding someone and I’m not going to say you shouldn’t put any energy into finding someone but I think it shouldn’t be your main focus. Use that energy to put towards your friends, family, career, passion, sports anything find something you love that isn’t a person. For me my love sports and netball is my Passion, it will always be there no matter if I have man or not, I’ll always have that in my life and one thing I know my future partner needs to support me in that or else we aren’t meant to be.
I got a little confused in this part of your question but I’ll go with it
I want to hookup with people, but I’m not confident in my body or the technicalities of sex.
I want a romantic relationship, but finding one is difficult.
 OK lets go with the first part, you want to hook up but aren’t confident in you body, this I can understand I will preach this but even I fail to live up to it sometimes. LOVE YOUR BODY!!!!! Imperfections and all, embrace those things that you don’t like about yourself. I am the shameless selfie qween on Instagram love handles and all. Do I like my love handles no do I wish they would disappear sure and my stomach was flatter and I had abs but probably not going to happen cause I love food so much and not the healthy kind either. But embrace it, while I dont like those things about myself I love my thick thighs and my booty, they grow so quickly that while some guys have to do 3 leg days for small gains I do one a week and bam! It’s all about balance for me for everything I don’t like about myself be it physical, emotional, mental what ever it is I try and remind myself that there is something I like about myself. tumblr_o3min9dpnk1ur7kozo1_500
I am not going to tell you to list all the things you like and don’t like about your self because that would be most worst list ever and how depressing (yes that was the worst English ever). I want you to try next time you are thinking bad about your body find something you like about it and think about that. We all have bad times when it seems impossible to find something positive about ourselves but give it ago. And remember whether you big, small, tall, short, have thick thighs, a belly, big arms, chicken arms, small calves or whatever love it embrace it and be you cause honey you beautiful!
As for the the sexual and technicalities of sex, haven’t we all been there, now I’m not going to go into the specific details of my first right now in this blog but god how shit at sex was I. But it didn’t stop me from doing it again and again and again….and well you get the picture. It’s a combination of practice makes perfect and finding someone you are comfortable with, I not saying go out and sleep with everyone you meet (unless that’s what you want to do then power to you) but you should maybe find someone you are comfortable with that you can I guess “practice with”. I am a believer the sex and love are not mutually exclusive you can have one without the other, do I need have sex with you to be in love with you and have a long lasting relationship probably however I don’t need to be in love with you to have sex with you. The sex I have had with people has ranged from emotionless where is purely about the sex and want/needing to get off, to passionate love making with a partner and everything in between. My advice is find what you are comfortable with and let that define your sexual experiences. I for one can have sex with people I am not dating or even considering dating I do however at least need a name and face. If you need a connection that’s fine then be up front about it and own it. If people can’t respect that then they aren’t the right person for you anyway.

 

I know from my experiences and what I enjoy and what things I want in my sex life that with my future partner we will both either have to compromise and go without something that really turns us on or potentially an open relationship. But at the end of the day its all about open communication about wants and needs and what things are defined about yourself. I guess this flows into the next part of your question that you want a romantic relationship but finding one is difficult. Yes yes they are because romance means different things to different people. For some it’s being taken to a romantic restaurant with candles and wine and roses for others and personally me I’d much rather cuddle up at home and watch a bad movie on the couch with pizza (and your pet dog but this is negotiable) again this is about knowing what you want and what you don’t want and what you are willing to compromise.
As for the finding the one part in a day and age where technology and apps are taking over the dating scene you have two choices you download them use them and set your expectations about what you want and be honest in your profile you want dates say it, it if you don’t want to hook up say it (also don’t belittle those that are searching for the opposite of you). If you don’t want to use the apps then your choice (dating without apps) is to go out and meet people (I struggle with this and almost hate cause I am so awkward and shy) join a group, go out with friends, go out alone (major props if you actually do this) put yourself out there in places where you can meet people. This doesn’t have to be the bar or club but anywhere. I guess in a gay world it can be a little harder meeting people cause that guy at the coffee shop probably isn’t gay or he might be but it’s so hard to tell and as much as we would like to think hitting on a guy in a public place wouldn’t hurt the risk is still there.
I guess what I am trying to say is you can’t have the relationship you want without putting yourself out there in the first place, finding it isn’t going to be easy but it will be worth it in the end. Just be honest with yourself about what you want, why you want it and don’t just do it because everyone else is.
My last relationships were incomplete, or wrong for some reason or another. Do I have commitment issues? or do I just meet the wrong people?
I have awesome friends and family, giving me so much other support and fulfilment. I understand that I’m only 20-ish, so things will change; but knowing that doesn’t make me feel any better…
The way I see it is you probably aren’t going to meet someone that is 100% perfect for you, everyone has faults and you tend to love people despite these. Everyone I have dated whether is been short term or long term has shown me either something about myself or something about what I want or don’t want in a partner. Take your dating history and learn from it. Do you have commitment issues?  are you the one that is breaking up with them ? Are you breaking up because you want to go and sleep with other people? Could you stay with them and have an open relationship?
I can’t answer that you need to answer that yourself, if you are the one breaking up with your previous partners ask yourself why you did it? What are you willing to compromise on and what are non-negotiable?
dealbreaker
If they have all felt wrong or incomplete ask yourself what felt wrong or what was missing from them, was is that same thing missing or was it something different in all of them? It’s a journey of self discovery. 20-ish to be young again, fuck that I am still young especially in my gay ass mind, because I came out when I was 23 I missed the formative dating years of my teens being “straight”. I had to learn how to date in my 20’s and it’s hard things will change and they will get better. Hot Tip: Use those friends they will be your safety net if things go wrong, pretty sure there isn’t a day that  goes bye that I don’t talk to my best friends those gurls (really boys) support me whether I am right or wrong, up or down, backwards or what ever way I am going and we all need that support.

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I think that one should be happy with what they have and a relationship shouldn’t make you happy it may enhance what you have make you happier because it should bring something to your life. But it shouldn’t be the sole reason you are happy. Fill
your life with friends, family, hobbies, work all the things that you love and enjoy and when you find someone to share all those things with it should be a thing of increased happiness. A partner will never and should never be the single happy thing in your life they raise you up when you are down and bring out the best in you and make you happy. I think we often get caught up thinking we can’t be happy being single when some of the happiest moments of my life have been when I have been single.
Any advice as a Melbourne Man, and a Veteran Gay? Sorry for the text-dump, but I’d like to know your thoughts.
As a Melbourne Man, I think you need to find the space you feel comfortable in be that North, South, Club Scene, Queer Scene, Bears, Sports, Art whatever this is embrace it. There are loads of groups out there to join and make friends which is a great way to start especially if you aren’t liking dating apps. It builds a foundation of a common interest to discuss and talk about with any expectations from both parties. If you are studying at university then I would imagine they would most likely have some kind of LGBTI group that you could look into joining.
This one may sound random for you but social media with all it’s headaches and negativity can be the most wonderful thing ever. I was in a massive funk and picked up my life and moved cities to Sydney and I my best friends when I moved were from Twitter they are still some of my best friends now. I have met lots of gay, straight, men and women from social media we built a rapport online and met in person usual via a group hang out sometimes one on one, sometimes the rapport you build online translate to in person sometimes it doesn’t but I guess that’s like anything online.
As a Veteran Gay (not that I would call myself one) my advice is get out there and meet people not to date to just meet people. Because often with the expectation of a date things can feel like they didn’t go well, but with the casualness of a coffee things may develop or you might just get a great brand new friend.
I hope I have answer everything you wanted and that it helps in someway. Feel free to leave me another comment if you have thing to follow up with, to my other followers leave something in the comments below if you have anything to add or disagree with. We may live all over the world but I think we all can experience similar things no matter where we live.
If you have a question of your own you would like answered head over to my Ask Me Anything and leave a comment and Ill get back to you ASAP.
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3 thoughts on “Looking for Love in all the……..place’s

Add yours

  1. Cool advice. How much do you charge for a one-hour consultation? 🙂 I only want to add is that when you least expect it, love always finds you. I had given up on ever having an ideal relationship (long-term) and two weeks later I figuratively and literally “bumped into” the man of my dreams. We moved in together a month later, got married 5 years after that and are still together today. Naked hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hehe maybe I should look into a new hourly rate.
      I do agree that when you a constantly looking for the one and for love you can miss it. It’s about letting go and enjoying the experience and one day you’ll literally just bump into the one for you.

      Liked by 1 person

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